I’ll repeat myself before addressing this: yes, it’s controversial. But I’d also like to really state for once that my erotic fascination for amputees has a lot to do with beauty, sincere sense of beauty.
Before going into that, I feel I first have to go into the controversial aspect. It’s the main reason for the negative view ‘the world’ tends to have on (amputee) devoteeism after all, as it’s a major factor in the sense of guilt many devotees experience. What I happen to find beautiful and even exciting is a bad thing for the person having it. Generally, amputees hate to be looked at with pity, yet their disability being looked at with positive praise is quite another matter. And to be honest, I’d say it’s perfectly understandable it is, which makes this controversy dilemmatic.
Some call it a fetish, some call it a parafilia, and there are other labels for what I have. Thanks to the internet, I found out twenty years ago I wasn’t the only one having this. To my giant relief. My erotic liking not exactly being main stream, I had never ever told anyone about it, which was rather fertile ground for thinking I was terribly abnormal. And while I’m still inclined to think it’s not too normal at least, having discovered I’m not the only one in the world kind of sooths. Female devotee Ruth Madison has posted good stuff on her web site (see links) and on YouTube on this subject, but being all alone in something you genuinely experience as beautiful and attractive can be very lonely. And that’s only my part in this.
There’s a good case for arguing the devotee’s sense of guilt is nothing compared to the amputee’s side to this. And it’s a hell of a valid point too. Yet, when it comes to personal feelings of attraction, the world tends to be shaped differently. Compare it with being in love, the clearest case of the outside becoming much less important than your own inside. This is my personal blog, so I’ll give my inside the floor. However, I do wish to adress this from both sides, simply because my feelings are so potentially offensive to the ones I’m having them for.
Maybe this is my sense of guilt not yet being fully unraveled, I’m not buying theories that society’s perspective on disabled people is a reason for devoteeism still suffering from a negative image. No matter how society looks at it, somehow there’s an intrinsic conflict between erotic appreciation and physical loss, I think. Even an amputee consenting to her stump(s) being included in what makes her attractive, wouldn’t resolve that conflict in my view, not in a societal sense anyway.
But maybe we should seek to resolve it at the individual level? It feels like escape reasoning, but maybe we should. After all, there are many sexual preferences that do the same, even when they’d benefit from a coming out. The world wide success of “Fifty shades of grey” – I mentioned it in my previous blog too – was also BDSM stepping into the limelight, and I’d say it changed societal perspective on what this erotic liking is about, or at least the threshold of its appreciation. Yet I don’t see a book or movie on amputee devoteeism become a blockbuster very soon. The essence of what this attraction is about, is simply too far off to take it any further than the individual.
So, what’s it about then? First of all, for me it’s not essentially sexual. It’s erotic, but that’s not the same. Depending on your personal preferences, you can look at a man or woman and experience erotic feelings without necessarily feeling the urge to have sex with that person. It’s a sense of beauty and attraction being awakened or triggered, and it can remain distant and be fully enjoyed nonetheless. The desire to have sex with someone is a step further, and it requires – for me at least – considerably more connection than the mere attraction of the moment, no matter how genuine it be. And yes, there’s a wide range from steady relationship to one night stand when it comes to having sex, I’d still say there’s a lot more involved to it than the wow-feeling with a guy or chick passing by.
Having said that, seeing an amputee is a true wow-feeling for me. Strangely, it even is when I see a male amputee. Apparently, my erotic fascination for amputees is stronger than my sexual preference. I’ve never discovered a trace of bi-sexuality in myself, yet I find the sight of a man who ‘qualifies’ my strong preference for a single high leg amputation exciting. It’s not as strong as seeing a female amputee, but it’s defintely there.
In a way, that supports my finding it beautiful, so my appreciation being essentially esthetic. Amputee devotees feeling attracted to the asymmetry created by a missing leg is well-known, and I consider myself a strong representant of this aspect of the attraction. For me, there’s a mesmerising elegancy in one leg walking, and in crutches flawlessly taking over the walking of the leg no longer there. There’s a similar beauty in the rounded shape of a stump, and in cases of a very high amputation in the way the missing leg follows the curve of the buttock without it being interrupted. And in a non-visual way, I have an enormous fascination with how a stump would feel, what the physical sensation of missing a leg would be like. I don’t desire to become an amputee at all, yet I’m intensely fascinated by how it would feel.
Would I ever want to have sex with an amputee then? If I’d ever get the chance, I definitely would. It would never be having sex for the sake of having it with an amputee, but if the click would be there, I’d wanna experience it for sure. At the same time, it’s not a pressing urge. Maybe that’s because it has been a closet thing for so long, maybe because the chances of ever running into a suitable candidate are so remote, I don’t really know. I do fantasise about it, and all the attempts at devotee erotica I’ve posted here are an expression of that. But it’s not haunting me as something I should per se have done at least once in my life. For that, my fascination is perhaps too much an esthetic one.
And since I was planning to address this from both sides, I will finish by stating that I ‘d fully understand any amputee being offended by my feelings. Let me say ‘in defense’ though, that I’d never wish any amputee to have what she was dealt with. I do understand it’s a terrible thing to have to be missing a limb, and that there’s many self-esteem issues coming with it that my feelings will be cutting into. At the same time this is my reality. And even if I would like to change it, I can’t.