Like with Heather – see first interview – I got in touch with Beth on Fetlife, a site dedicated largely to BDSM lifestyle, but it has an amputee devotee community as well, with a number of amputees participating. Beth is one of them, although her reasons for having an account there are also BDSM related.
Beth is 24 years old, single and heterosexual. She lost her left leg above the knee 3 years ago as a result of medical error after an accident.
How did the amputation change your life?
“My leg isn’t coming back, so I can either feel sorry and pity myself, or I can go on with life and live a new normal. Emotionally I have rare moments of deep devastating sadness that last about two days or less, but I only feel this way about twice a year.
I lost all my self-esteem and confidence, I didn’t feel pretty and I sure as heck didn’t have that I can take on the world attitude. I’ve become more submissive to powerful, older, stronger, and smarter men. If I had to guess the reason it would be fear, the fear that with one leg I’m an easy target and I need a protector.
It changes your life in lots of small things too. My ceilings are high and I have a fear of falling and am not climbing up a ladder. So, it’s difficult changing light bulbs. I didn’t think about it until one of my lights went out today. Now I have to call someone to change my light bulbs, how sad is that?”
What do you miss since having become an amputee?
“I miss my job. I was a nursing assistant, one of the best but without a knee it’s pretty hard to pick up patients. I miss running up and down stairs, and the spear of the moment let’s jump off the bridge into the river. I miss standing in the shower!!
There’s also things you forget. After a lost my leg I forgot instantly how it felt to walk and run with two legs and I soon realized that I took it for granted.”
Did becoming an amputee influence how you’re looking at yourself?
“In the beginning I was so disgusted with the way I look at myself I avoided mirrors. However now I’ve begun to accept, and love my body.”
Do you feel people look at you differently since you became an amputee?
“Yes, my family looks at me with pity, and all they see is this delicate girl. Then there are the stares of strangers. I went through my whole life without drawing attention to myself, now I can’t seem to shake the looks of what the F happened.”
What would be your main exasperations in that respect?
“The broken look I get from my family and the stares.”
Are there also positive changes?
“The only positive that came out of losing my leg is meeting some interesting devotees and Doms. Also, when I go out with my friends and there’s no seating, I always get a seat, but not sure if this is the answer you are looking for.”
What would you most like to be different in how people look at you as an amputee?
“I may look different, but I’m still a human and don’t [I added “don’t” here, assuming that’s what you meant!] deserve to feel like an animal in a glass box for your amusement. Also, I’m fully capable of doing everything you can do; I just have to be creative and it may take me longer.”
When did you first become aware of the existence of devoteeism?
“Amputee fetishes were mentioned to me early in my amputation, but I was so focused on the fact I lost my leg that I never thought about since. Actually I forgot about it until a few weeks ago, when a devotee approached me on social media.”
What was your initial feeling about it?
“I was indifferent about it. You like what you like. Who am I to tell you otherwise?”
Did that change over time?
“They’ve long remained indifferent but my feelings have changed to a more negative outlook lately.”
Are you willing to share how?
“A few devotees said that I’m stuck with them and that I will never get rid of them with their constant messaging taking up my my inbox.
There’s also an incident where I had been messaging this devotee for about three weeks or so and I started, I guess you call it slipping away because I couldn’t get on all the time, so he gave me his number and I texted him. The next morning I get a message from his wife of 18 years. And then devotees asking to pay for pictures and videos like I’m some whore on the sidewalk.
They will also go through the trouble of photoshopping pictures to make me believe they are who they say they are. Devotees online are nothing but smoke and mirrors.
Because of all these incidents I’m scared to reply to messages now, because they create fake profiles with the hopes of me messaging them.”
So your view on how devoteeism is being ‘practiced’ on the internet isn’t very positive?
“Not all, but most of them scare me and they put out a creepy stalker vibe. My recent experiences should tell you why…”
Can you (still) envision yourself to be in a relationship with a devotee?
“Yes, despite the above I could see myself in a relationship with devotee.”
If so, what would a good relationship with a devotee require for you?
“That he liked me as a person as much as the fact that I’m an amputee.”
And what would make it different for you?
“A devotee wouldn’t be scared to touch and love my stump, he would be attracted to my entire body. That type of attraction would make me feel like a woman and not a Frankenstein to be avoided.”
If you could give devotees some advice, what would it be?
“We are people so treat us with the respect people deserve!!”
Anything I didn’t ask but that you’d want to add?
“I can’t wait to see other people interviewed on your blog. It will be nice to read other’s perspective from both sides, and how they compare and differ from my own.”