January 14, 2016
It crept up on me again: the ever present solution to all things real and painful. It’s always been my go to, like people on a diet go to “I’ll start tomorrow”, or those needing to pay their VISA bill to “I’ll do the bank stuff tomorrow”.
Those go to solutions have an outcome good or bad, whereas mine have neither. It is the end.
Since my early twenties, I’ve always thought of suicide as an out, my out. And I did a lot of working through those emotions that spurred that solution. I guess I’ve never really feared death. I get to see my dad and cat Hobberoo when I go. But I stuck it out here in this life because I have a son, and statistics have shown that children of parents who kill themselves have very high tendencies to kill themselves too. And I can’t imagine seeing Quin in the afterlife because he followed my steps killing himself. Can’t bear that thought.
And you know, I haven’t let the go to solution enter my life for quite some time; in fact a few years. But then I fell in love with another man and lost my leg.
Do the two go together? No, not really, but when I really think about the amount of physical and emotional energy I’ve put into these two parts of my life, they’re equal. And sadly, neither one of these two parts have a happy ending.
Sure, it is what it is, being an amputee, and most days I look at it as though I’m no different than others; I just happen to have a really cool leg and funky robotic foot. It is an extension of my uniqueness.
But then the harsh reality of things like loosing the other leg and life expectancy pop up. The sadness of having to tell my son that I probably won’t be alive for more than 7 years saddens my heart deeply. I don’t dwell on it, and it never comes up, but it’s always present like a massive flowered elephant in the room. And I really am a huge fan of elephants…but not this one.
Sometimes the reality of losing my other leg too, slides in between my thoughts. And many amazing double amputees live their lives strongly and successfully, but I know in my heart that is not a place I will ever go. Ever.
So, every now and again the idea and plan of killing myself comes to the forefront. It is so important to live my days as fully as possible, and always have something to look forward to. Because without that thrill or excitement, there is nothing to look forward to, and why burden others with the sadness and gloom.
So, on days when I feel as though my life with my lover has no future, suicidal thoughts soon reappear. They are like little pieces of glass broken on the floor too painful to pick up. And so my go to solution prevails, and then the planning begins.
I’m not going to share those plans, for they are mine to keep tucked away. Only to see the light of day if the sadness and hopelessness takes over the good stuff.
For now they are gone.
I will not kill myself tonight. And as long as I have tonight, I have everything.