January 22, 2016
And I know right now you’re awaiting some great news. Well sorry, but that was purely facetious. I use this mind set because it brings me comfort, when the true mind set might very well send me to a very dark place of fear and pain.
The official news is that I have a new infection under the toe of my one existing leg; the golden leg as health officials like to call it. Well, this gold has turned into a menacing black spot with pain, and if you do not know my back story: an infection in the big toe of my amputated leg is where the rabbit hole began. A tiny blister that grew black and more black; even while under the watchful care of a specialist. It was just meant to be chopped, and I to live as an amputee.
But as a double amputee… WTF!!
So now, the nagging pit in the bottom of my belly has begun, followed by bursts of sarcastic one liners about my future… What do you call a girl missing two legs? I dont know but you can’t call me Eileen anymore… ARGH Matey.” Ya, I know that was bad but comical 😉
There are advantages now though… I already have strong muscles to push a wheelchair with. I get to wear 2 converse shoes now and oooh maybe they’ll make me taller! To be 5 foot 6 instead of 5 foot 1 would be outstanding. See, there is a bright side.
However, at this moment the black spot staring at me does not appear bright. It carries pain; real physical pain but worse emotional burdening pain. It carries fear. Fear that I may choose to die before I lose another leg. It carries unknowing what the future holds. And who knows what the future holds, but right now my future is infection, bone sawing, blood, wheelchairs, walkers, assistance to sit on a toilet to have a shit, burdeness chores by my husband and son to help me maintain my life daily. I never wanted to be a burden again, and it brings stinging tears to my eyes to remember that feeling the first time around.
So tonight, I lift myself into the tub on my own with many thanks. It is only one leg lost right now and that’s all I’z a gots….right now, this moment.
And the excitement of possibly wearing my converse chucks again!
I love my converse chucks 🙂