Alicia’s Q4: What keeps you ‘in the closet’ as it were as a Dev?
Paul: “With my first girlfriend, I indirectly hinted at the attraction and got a response that didn’t encourage me to tell her more, and I kept it secret for years afterwards because of that, and because of my own insecurity and moral conflict with the feelings.
With my current wife, I ran into a very unfortunate situation. We were watching a tv programme on unusual sexual preferences, and one of the items turned out to be attraction to amputees. I was on the verge of using this moment to confess to her when she commented that you’d have to be really, really twisted to be into something like that. It shut me up instantly and I’ve never had the heart to tell her since.
Meanwhile, I’ve accepted it to be and perhaps always remain a closet thing. I have a very good marriage and although I do realise I’m keeping something important a secret for my wife, my fear to see a confession ruin the relationship we have is stronger than my urge to be totally honest with her. It’s been a closet thing for so long that I’m able to live with it, in a way simply because I always have. And I know there’s a cowardly aspect in this, I’m making it a choice to let it be one. If that makes any sense.”
Alicia: “Why do you even go out of your way to run this blog and befriend dev’s and amputees if you are ‘making the choice’ to hide who you really are as a person everywhere else? I understand not wanting to ruin your relationship at this point, but it’s not like you didn’t know when you met her. And yes, what she said about dev’s in that one example may have hurt, but doesn’t it hurt more to have to lie and keep this secret from your best friend/partner for the last god knows how many years?
That seems more burdening and heavy then the shit I put myself through. I’m the type of person to fly my freak flag high and that includes the burden, the emotion, the darkness, everything. You know me well enough to know that I’m not shy at laying every feeling, emotion, thought and opinion out on the table. I know not everyone can do that, and I’m sure all the stigmas are the huge reason to not broadcast that you’re a dev, true?”
Paul: “Touché. All I can say is that it is twisted, that running this blog shows this is an important part of my feelings and that I’m scared as shit to come out of the closet in real life.”
Alicia: “And I understand that but remember, you’re the one who always tells me: ‘Nothing ventured, nothing gained’, so maybe turn that mirror on yourself a bit and see what happens?”
Paul: “You’re absolutely right. But this is a no-way-back thing. Once I’ve confessed, I’m past a point of no return, and I’d be with regard to the most important person in my life. For me, that makes a hell of a reason to be scared, as it makes a serious feeling of guilt for as long as I’ve not told her.
The thing is I’m not expecting venturing to gain anything, except relieving myself of a guilt feeling to see my wife get one in stead. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna make her think she wouldn’t answer my desires as to a woman, and nothing is more untrue than that.
I have this dev attraction, but it’s not an all overwhelming thing for me. And for that matter, nothing I find physically attractive in a woman is. I also happen to find women with big breasts extremely sexy.
I used to have a girlfriend who qualified excitingly well in that respect, but I broke up with her because I felt we didn’t match well enough to make me want to continue. And believe it or not, I would do exactly the same with any amputee I wouldn’t match with. For me, it’s an attraction I can live with without it needing to be part of the relationship I have. My wife doesn’t have big breasts nor an amputation, but that isn’t stopping me from desiring her, and neither do I ever fantasise about her possessing physical features she doesn’t have and I happen to find sexy in a woman.
True, the dev attraction is strong, strong enough to be writing a dev blog, and I’ve never had the inclination to start doing a ‘boobs blog’. But at the same time, I have a relationship based on finding my wife the best match I ever ran into. And since I haven’t found a reason to doubt that for over twenty years, I’m very seriously asking myself if confessing would be a better thing than keeping this a secret.”
Alicia: “I understand your fear of losing the love of your life over your secret, but for you to say your dev attraction isn’t overwhelming I think is an understatement, specifically because you run the blog. I think your secret dev attraction and your vanilla life look a lot like Old/Future Alicia vs Current Alicia. Battles are everywhere, don’t they?”
Paul: “And maybe there is another parallel. I’m just as little a 24/7 devotee as you are 24/7 full of hate. So my blog creates a distorted picture of me as well. I have a lot of other interests, and I live them with similar passion, which I admit can be tiring for others at times :)”
Alicia: “I understand that. People don’t always appreciate someone else’s passion for something… like me and my obsession for cats lol :)”
Paul: “I’m not a cat person, so I surely won’t! :)”
Paul’s Q4: How would devotee attraction have to be part of a relationship or friendship to make it work for you?
Alicia:”I don’t really like this question, I think you may have wrote it wrong. Devotee attraction shouldn’t have to be a part of any relationship for it to work for me. I think you are meaning to ask if I was to be romantic with or become a close friend with a dev, what would the parameters need to be in order to have such a friendship/relationship? Can you clarify this so I can answer more throughly?”
Paul: “Yes, it should indeed be taken as you interpreted: if you were to be in a friendship or relationship with a dev, what would the parameters need to be to let devoteeism be a mutually accepted part of what you have with this person?”
Alicia: “Again, for devotees to work in a friendship or relationship, there needs to be a mutually respect and understanding by both parties. I need to know and see that the person is wanting all of me and not just fantasizing about that one part of me. It’s the equivalent of a person dating another person only because they had a huge dick or huge tits: you are with them for their look, not what’s inside. That’s where I think things get mucky for dev’s. As we’ve said, most don’t care about what’s inside and that really does ruin it for the few who aren’t that way.”
Paul: “My question was assuming these conditions to be satisfied, so suppose there’d actually be the mutual respect and understanding I too think are essential. What would be your do’s and dont’s then? Or is that too theoretical?“
Alicia: “Most of my friends and people I’m around are not dev’s, so the idea of the do’s and dont’s of that kind of friendship/relationship is too theoretical.”
Paul’s Q5: How would you feel if you were a sincere devotee who saw many of your ‘fellow’ devs be sociopath perverts causing fully justified distrust and disgust with the very people you would love to be in touch with?
Alicia: “I’d be pissed off to no end but I also would work rigorously to change that view. The dev’s I’ve befriended are dev’s who are pissed off at these pervert dev’s and are making that conscience effort to change the view on dev’s. I believe what Gandhi said: ‘Be the change you wish to see in the world.’ I wish to see dev’s differently and view my amputation differently, so I actively try to change my view and learn all the time. Advocacy and knowledge is the best thing a person can do, even if it’s all he can do.”
Paul: “I’d like my blog to be an attempt in line with Ghandi’s words. I’m however also seeing it be abused for the very pervert purposes we’re trying to fight, as you will remember. And there doesn’t seem to be any defense against it, except to ignore. According to a comment made on the blog, we shouldn’t even grant them the pleasure of getting mad at them. Now Ghandi would never approve of using weapons, as long as the bad dev’s are breaking more glass than the good ones are able to mend, I’d sure like to have a few.“
Alicia: “Ghandi would never approve of using weapons but I’m sure he never said anything about verbal weapons. For some people, ignoring them will work and it’s better for them. Others, like myself, it’s better to talk back and try to make those changes. I choose to talk shit and educate but that’s just me.”
Paul: “So do I, I think.”
Alicia’s Q5: Have you met an amputee in person before? If not, what’s stopped you?
Paul: “I have, once, when I was a student, at a reunion of a youth aid organization I worked for as a volunteer. She had been one as well, but not while I was, so I saw her first time that evening. I tried to get to chat with her, and I did shortly, but there was no click and I may also have made her sense my interest in her was not everyday. I recall being nervous to chat with her, excited as I was to finally have a chance to talk with an amputee.
I’ve never met any amputees since, and being married and not wishing to cheat I don’t see myself meeting any either. If ever given the chance, and with someone I’d feel connected to, I think I would want to meet an amputee. Not for an affair or anything, but to finally be able to talk about this while looking into someone’s eyes.”
Alicia: “Have you ever thought about talking to a like minded dev eye to eye in lieu of an amputee?”
Paul: “I have, and if I’d find one I would. It’s different though, just like you talking about devoteeism to a like minded amputee would be. Talking e.g. to you puts the essence of my attraction on the chopping block, so to say. Talking to a like minded dev never would.
And doing a dialogue like this is still discussing while leaving my attraction a secret in real life, it’s a step, and maybe one day it’s going to be the step towards coming out.”
Paul: “‘Maybe’ sounds like an apt word to conclude this dialogue. How did you like it?”
Alicia: “Interesting and enlightening, but I don’t know if I’d want either of us to be put through the wringer like that again for all of the dev and amputee world to see. That feeling could change depending on feedback though. You?”
Paul: “The intention behind this dialogue was to not let it be sweet and diplomatic. Being aware of the controversial nature of devoteeism, I wanted every bit of that controversy on the table with someone I knew was not going to mince her words. And I’m glad you didn’t because I learned from it.
Maybe the worst thing about a closet attraction is that it’s never subject to communication. Never getting any feedback, comment or criticism makes your thoughts and feelings have their own way. And that’s not good in general, it’s very much not good with attractions such as devoteeism.
And as to feedback: let’s hope there’s going to be a lot!”
Alicia: “Fingers crossed!”