Some devs take their feelings for granted. Me they’re giving a lot of thought. The moral aspects. The bad guys. And the why. Getting a finger behind the reason for having developed devotee feelings is both interesting and frustrating. I have never found more than one of my grandpa’s having been a below the knee amputee. And since I used to mimic him as a toddler, I presume his limping must have made an impression on young little me. There’s some more evidence of early childhood fascination for amputees in my case (see my confession in the Amp Dev Dialogue, part 2), but as far as I’ve been able to reconstruct, that was all at a later time. So, let’s call grandpa the culprit.
Along the way of my thinking about the why and how, I discovered I’ve got a few more preferences that are not exactly mainstream. Not that I didn’t know I had them, but somehow I never saw the potential parallel for quite some time.
I have a huge weakness for women with a light squint, for instance. Looking into eyes that have to constantly switch to focus is rather restless, I also find it terribly sexy, especially the very subtle cases. I’ve never dated a woman who qualified in this respect, but I do remember a fellow student who did. And I always used to look for a chance to chat with her.
Twitches is another thing I have a weakness for. Not every twitch does it for me, the one an ex-girlfriend of mine had certainly did. It caused her head to lightly tremble whenever she became emotional, both the sad and the happy way. I found her sexy for many reasons, and I found her drop dead sexy for that twitch. Furthermore, it turned out to be a reliable gauge in many respects. It told me if she liked my jokes as an innocent example, more importantly it also told me how good her orgasms were. Not that she was a girl who faked them, but they do tend to differ in intensity, and her best ones came with fierce trembling of her head. I found it awfully hot to watch, and not only because it stroked the male ego.
While many a woman spends hours in the gym to obtain a flat stomach, I much prefer a small belly. It can be a tad flabby too even for my liking. In terms of frequency of occurrence it’s safe to say the perfectly flat stomach is the off-mainstream thing here, rather than the belly. Our current culture of appreciation of the female body tends to idolise the former though. Incidentally, most any Rubens paiting will tell you that has not always been the case, hence the ‘current’. However, Rubens’ paintings tribute what’s nowadays called the BBW, the big beautiful woman. And that’s not what this liking of mine is about. For me, it’s the otherwise (fairly) slender woman who happens to have a belly, so a thing you’d be surprised to see her have, rather than it being an expected part of a more voluptuous body.
I also happen to find large breasts sexy. This is hardly off-mainstream of course, but for me large breasts become seriously more sexy when they sag. I once dated an extremely well endowed woman whose giant girls followed the law of gravity very faithfully. She didn’t particularly like it about herself, she also was a positive mind who made do with what she had. Happily, she was also receptive to my appreciation. I didn’t hide it when she first undressed for me, and once I was as well, there was ample proof I hadn’t just said it to make her feel better. It encouraged her to be fully open with her dangling beauties in my company, which I obviously didn’t mind. Our affair was fun but unbound, and it didn’t stand her going on a one year backpack trip. We’ve long lost contact, but in terms of female physique triggering my instant excitement, she still stands unmatched. If I’m ever to contract Alzheimer, I hope she’ll be the last to fade from memory, so to speak.
What has this got to do with my devotee feelings then? I’d say there’s a few things coming to mind rather easily. I have a weakness for the less usual. I have it in more respects than the female physique too. It’s hardly relevant for a devotee blog, but I also like strange food and opinionated people, and a classical CD entering my player will more likley be Stravinsky or Bartok than Mozart. Okay, some will argue it’d have to be Ligeti or Lutoslavsky to be really less usual, but still. Also, this has a pendant in being bored by the usual, and perhaps too much so. In retrospect, I think I’ve ditched a few people as a friend or a lover because of it. I don’t anymore, not that easily at least, which is probably the wisdom of age.
My weaknesses also relate to imperfection. Clearly so even, but here the preference is physical only. I’m not unforgiving of character flaws – and having a few myself should probably make me more understanding of them – but I’m not attracted to them as I am by physical imperfection. Neither am I attracted to sensory imperfectons like blindness or deafness, and quite possibly all these things have to do with my being lucky to be born with a decent set of brains. Not meant to sound arrogant, but I consider it one of my most valuable possessions, and I love and much prefer my relationships with people to be expressions of the ‘potential’ this creates. Bluntly put, my weakness for physical imperfection is quite possibly enhanced by it being experienced at high levels of conscience, and unhampered by sensory impairment.
Obviously, my attraction to a missing limb is by far the strongest expression of this. The parallel with other imperfections is nonetheless interesting though, simply because they’ve got a thing in common: they all turn into assets within my world of appreciation. And I’ll state once again that I’d never wish it upon anyone to have an imperfection, at the same time I do feel attracted to the fact. In an earlier blog (link here) I used the term ‘esthetic’ to describe my devotee attraction as being predominantly in beauty, there’s also an aspect of naturalness in the way I experience imperfection. It’s no freak interest for me, quite the contrary. Apart from the attraction and excitement side, my mind very naturally accepts physical imperfection. It never sees it as bad or to feel pity for, and it always comes with being genuinely interested in how it makes a person handle an imperfection, if and how it changes thinking and feeling. It triggers curiosity without feelings of ‘sensation’, which incidentally is often mistaken for the rather more dubious interests displayed by the bad examples of devotees.
So maybe there is a devoteeism that is naturally embedded in just happening to be attracted by the less usual. Not a kink, not a fetish, not a perversion, just a part of liking the less obvious. It would surely be a much more positive way of looking at it, as it would take the sting out of this liking for many amputees. In her latest diary (link here), Alicia also mentioned it: that not letting an amputation be the center of attention and at the same timing not denying it, makes a pretty good way for an amputee to feel comfortable with imperfection. For a devotee, that might be a little harder to bring off, its importance for ‘the other side’ cannot be stressed enough, I’d say. In the end, any mutual enjoyment of physical imperfection lives by acknowledging its existence, and letting its attraction be naturally part of what you happen to like.
I remember having had great and totally relaxed fun with a woman with a trembling head tick, as well as with a very big breasted woman.
Wouldn’t it be great to imagine having the same fun with a lady missing a leg or an arm…?