The Heather Diary (6)

I’m laying here in bed at 5am thinking about stuff. And for the first time in a while it isn’t about work and what I have to do and what I didn’t get done. It’s just about random shit. Until…. dun dun dunnn…. self evaluation creeps in.

For the most part I’ve been doing great with my amputation. Aside from the small wobbles here and there, life with a fake leg is really quite ‘normal’ – I hate that word because I’m not but just to keep my daily routines in perspectiveπŸ˜‰ – Β I feel confident, comfortable, unique and many days sexy. All good, right?

But as I lay here I’m thinking about a couple friends who are always watching others, surveying what is around them, really taking in all that is happening. And then I realize I MISS THAT! And the more I think, the more I realize I don’t do that very much at all anymore.

My mind is mostly consumed by me; people are staring, is my hair sticking up, why am I tripping, why does she have a pity smile, why is my leg sounding like a tin man, does the way I’m leaning on my prosthesis make my ass look good, can I open this door without stumbling, why is he gawking… The list goes on and on. Which has led me to realize that I still haven’t accepted myself as an amputee.

This has got to stop!

It’s time to switch the me me me focus to others; does that man need help with the door, that woman’s shoes in line are awesome, I’m going to let her know, it’s ok to trip, that teenager is laughing with her friends…. I truly want my life to be about experiencing what is around me. If I can’t do that, then what is the point of living? It’s time to participate in my environment again. And then the fact that I have one stump will become a part of the world and accepted in my world too.

Ok. It’s done. I just made a deal with myself. Me me me is now going to be him, her, they. Let the experiences begin.

Wait! Is my hair sticking up?
Ahh fuck it! At least my ass looks greatπŸ˜‰

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