My next interview is with Maria, a 34 year old woman from Berlin, Germany. Maria is a (jazz) singer and singer-songwriter who runs marathons, who loves smartphone-only photography and who also is an amputee devotee. Maria is heterosexual and currently single, but she’s had several relationships with amputee men.
This was also my second interview done over Skype, and again I strongly feel it added a lot. When and how did you discover your attraction to amputees?
“I didn’t call it sexual then, but my first fascination with amputees, or other disabled people, with different bodies so to say dates back to early childhood. I’m not sure I ever actually discovered I had these feelings; they were just there, and as a child I did what kids tend to do: I acted upon them. For instance I remember playing that I had no legs, with a friend from kindergarten, sitting in her granny’s wheelchair. At one point my mom came in and appeared shocked and somehow taken aback, that we would play such things. Also with my two brothers and other close childhood friends, we’d often play „hospital“, and there were a lot of limbs cut off. However, I don’t know if that’s really unusual. The other kids played along, and they didn’t turn out devotees, as far as I know.
The incident with my mom barging in confirmed what I had always vaguely felt: that it was not okay to feel this way. Also, I knew for sure I was the only one in the world feeling it. By the age of eight or nine, I was convinced there ws something really wrong with me. I started to only play those things out in my head and I kept a little book where I drew other kids with missing limbs and invented stories about them. Eventually I called it pervert, but that was a little later. But all the time I kept it secret, very secret. I even invented my own cryptography, to make sure nobody could read it.”
What did it do to you? Did you feel guilty, confused?
How do you feel about that now? Do you have an ethical conflict with this liking requiring that someone be disabled?
Can you describe your preferences? And are they for men, for women, or perhaps for both?
Same as I have with amputee men, interesting!
Intimate one: are your masturbation fantasies also this flexible?
Have preferences as to this always been the same?
Anything that causes these changes?
Does anyone in real life know you’re a devotee?
How did you?
We’re curious of course!
So he knew you were a devotee?
And did you?
How was that first time?
We will gladly listen to any detail you wish to share…
Like telling someone who confessed being homosexual that they will change their mind if they had a real man or woman…
You had more relationships with amputees, right?
Do you feel you can have a relationship with men who are not amputees?
What is it that makes amputee men irresistible for you?
Make everyday life appear like constant foreplay, I really like how you said that!
It expresses very well how prosaic things can be very erotic for our attraction.
How do you enjoy your attraction to amputees when there’s no amputee partner?
But also other fantasies? Like relating to wanting to be in a relationship with an amputee?)
“Yeah, that is something I fantasize about sometimes. I’m pretty sure there are a few guys out there who I could really connect with. If it just wasn’t so hard to find them!”
As far as you’re able to tell, would you say the female way of enjoying this attraction differs from how men do? If so, could you describe the difference?
“I would say it pretty much reflects the way women and men differ in their sexuality in general. Of course I can’t speak for men, but they seem to be more focused on the physical, often
very specifically too in terms of preference, with less focus on aspects of relationship. On the internet, there is a huge gender gap, you find much more male than female devotees. I don’t think this is because there really are so few of us, I rather think that most women tend to live it differently. They may not call themselves devotees, maybe they rather become nurses or „accidentally“ like an amputee… But I can only speak for myself and I have always liked to get to the bottom of things. And concerning my attraction, I very much like context. I don’t just want to see a pretty stump, I want to see the face, get to know the person, the story behind it.”
This is an interesting difference between the two of us, I think. I tend to have specific preferences but I can have relationships with able-bodied women.
For you, the latter is problematic, but you do not have strong preferences in type of amputation. Maybe these two are related?
“Maybe this is a girl and boy difference again? I have thought about it for a while, I don’t feel in my case it has anything to do with availability. It’s more like: I like what I know, but I am also happy to know something different. As long as there is something missing.”
For me there has always been an element of despair in this. Finding someone who matches you well enough to be partners, soul-mates, buddies and lovers is hard enough as it is. Furthermore adding your favorite amputation type into the equation will reduce your chances of finding a match to virtually zero.
“I know, hell I know. But I won’t give up hope!”
What’s your view on how devoteeism is being ‘practiced’ on the internet?
“Tough one to answer since I hardly practice on the internet myself, apart from dating sites for disabled people and the fetish website where you ran into me (grins).
But the internet often presents devoteeism as some sort of freak whim you enjoy and then get on with life. For me it’s very much related to what I want my real life to look like.”
Are you in regular touch with other devotees? If so, how?
“Not a lot, no. Over the years I have talked to some and met a few. Some were real freaks I couldn’t relate to at all, some were nice people and one has become a real life friend. However, they’ve all been male. I have exchanged emails with two or three (allegedly, cause unfortunately you never know) female devotees but never met one in person. I’d like to! After my experience with my BIID ex I am trying to get to the bottom of this phenomenon a little more. I’m talking to a few people with BIID, some who are working on becoming amputees and some who have decided to try to live with the urge. When I was with my ex, I felt like this was the most natural connection, like two sides of the same coin, on the other hand I have been lied to so many times by people with BIID, that it makes me wonder if that might be part of their fetish. But I don’t think so, since I met some who seem very honest and sincere. But that’s a whole new subject here! (grins)”
Are you in regular touch with amputees? If so, how? And if so, did it influence your looking at amputees or at yourself?
“I’m still on friendly terms with two of my exes, but we’re not really in close contact. Other than that, not so much. I’m looking on a few websites, but there are so many fakes around, it is exhausting. It didn’t really influence my looking at amputees nor at myself. We are all people and everyone is different.”
If you could give devotees some advice, what would it be?
“Don’t pretend to be something you’re not (that’s more for those with BIID, but also devotees). Don’t be assholes, just because you’re on the internet. Don’t hate yourself for your attraction. Be human. ”
And finally, is there anything I didn’t ask that you would have loved to tell?
“Yes! If there’s a nice amputee guy out there reading this and liking it: contact me!”(laughs)