The floor to others – Maria

 

Introduction
My next interview is with Maria, a 34 year old woman from Berlin, Germany. Maria is a (jazz) singer and singer-songwriter who runs marathons, who loves smartphone-only photography and who also is an amputee devotee. Maria is heterosexual and currently single, but she’s had several relationships with amputee men.
This was also my second interview done over Skype, and again I strongly feel it added a lot. When and how did you discover your attraction to amputees?
“I didn’t call it sexual then, but my first fascination with amputees, or other disabled people, with different bodies so to say dates back to early childhood. I’m not sure I ever actually discovered I had these feelings; they were just there, and as a child I did what kids tend to do: I acted upon them. For instance I remember playing that I had no legs, with a friend from kindergarten, sitting in her granny’s wheelchair. At one point my mom came in and appeared shocked and somehow taken aback, that we would play such things. Also with my two brothers and other close childhood friends, we’d often play „hospital“, and there were a lot of limbs cut off. However, I don’t know if that’s really unusual. The other kids played along, and they didn’t turn out devotees, as far as I know.
The incident with my mom barging in confirmed what I had always vaguely felt: that it was not okay to feel this way. Also, I knew for sure I was the only one in the world feeling it. By the age of eight or nine, I was convinced there ws something really wrong with me. I started to only play those things out in my head and I kept a little book where I drew other kids with missing limbs and invented stories about them. Eventually I called it pervert, but that was a little later. But all the time I kept it secret, very secret. I even invented my own cryptography, to make sure nobody could read it.”

What did it do to you? Did you feel guilty, confused?
“When I was still young, it merely felt wrong, bad. But also irresistible of course.” *grins*

How do you feel about that now? Do you have an ethical conflict with this liking requiring that someone be disabled?
“No. It took me a while, but I really don’t think there is anything wrong with it. I don’t objectify people more than anyone with other, more „normal“ preferences does, and I don’t draw my pleasure from their suffering. I don’t want anyone to lose a limb for me, I don’t cut anyone’s leg off. I just happen to find it extremely interesting when a person is missing a limb. And of course it is still their choice if they want to interact with me.”

Can you describe your preferences? And are they for men, for women, or perhaps for both?
“I’m heterosexual, so my preferences are for men. I do however also enjoy to watch amputee women.”

Same as I have with amputee men, interesting!
“Yes, it almost feels like a gender of its own, in a sense. But preference-wise I think I’m pretty flexible. I do find single above the knee and elbow amputees especially attractive, but I like double amputations or below knee or elbow as well. And any combination you can think of, basically.”

Intimate one: are your masturbation fantasies also this flexible?
“Um..yes, but they are usually more extreme ;)”

Have preferences as to this always been the same?
“No, my preferences change. When I had a SAK boyfriend I really liked the asymmetry of it, and the walking on crutches. I thought I might miss that when I had a DAK boyfriend, but that came with other nice perks.”

Anything that causes these changes?
“Mostly getting to know a new person with their particular type of amputation.”

Does anyone in real life know you’re a devotee?
“Yes, I have come out, as it’s called. At age twenty, the internet made me discover I was not alone, but then it took another seven years before I had the courage to tell anyone from my „real life”.”

How did you?
“I had confessed to a pen pal (and former summer fling) earlier, but the first person I really told face to face was my therapist, who I was seeing because I was dealing with depression. Then I told one of my best friends, then my two brothers, then other friends, eventually my parents. By that time I also had my first affair with an amputee.”

We’re curious of course!
“So was I!! (laughs). But to reveal a little: he was a married guy in a bad marriage, he was a bit older than I was, he was an above the knee amputee and he was quite okay with me finding that exciting.”

So he knew you were a devotee?
“Yes, we met through a special dating site, so he knew what to expect.”

And did you?
“Not really no, not as in the intensity of it all. Not only when it came to sex, already touching his stump was extremely exciting.”

How was that first time?
“It was exciting. It was very exciting. It was maybe more exciting than was good for me (chuckles). I did not have much sexual experience at all at that moment, so it was sort of a cascade of first impressions that totally overwhelmed me.”

We will gladly listen to any detail you wish to share…
“I don’t know…. Somehow it immediately felt much more intimate and special. The contrast between this fit, able, confident man, showing me this vulnerable side of him. Probably, in a way, sex is always about that, but it felt very real at that moment.”

And afterwards?
“It helped me a lot to be more at peace with my attraction. Especially him being okay with it felt great. It also helped me to feel more secure about the truth of those feelings. I saw them confirmed, be real in a real situation with a real man. To me that was important because I had a few friends who did not appear to take my confession seriously; telling me things would be different once I’d have more experience with men.”

Like telling someone who confessed being homosexual that they will change their mind if they had a real man or woman…
“Yes, exactly. It’s total nonsense of course but it will make you insecure if you never had a real experience. Once I had, I knew to trust my own feelings.”

You had more relationships with amputees, right?
“Depending a little on what you’d call relationships, I had three. The second was with a man who had lost one leg at the hip then 25 years ago (he was also quite a bit older than me) and the third was with a successful wannabe (BIID) double leg amputee who I was really in love with, but unfortunately he lied to me to an unimaginable extent, as I found out later.”

Do you feel you can have a relationship with men who are not amputees?
“Problematic, I would say. I have had sexual relations with non-amputees, but there was always something missing, so to speak (laughs). Not so much during sex itself, it’s more the overall experience of being with someone with that kind of disability that I would miss. He would definitely have to know about my attraction to amputees, so maybe we could try to weave it in somehow. But my true ideal here is to have a steady, happy relationship and have children with an amputee man.”

What is it that makes amputee men irresistible for you?
“It’s a lot of different aspects, foremost the physical appearance, the unusual movement, that seems to make everyday-life appear like constant foreplay. And this does not seem to wear out. However, I can only enjoy this if it levels out intellectually. Here, again, it’s this balance between a confident, intelligent man being vulnerable. I also enjoy the extra attention you get as a couple with an amputee, and I think it can help them that I like it (since they’re going to be stared at, no matter what).”

Make everyday life appear like constant foreplay, I really like how you said that!
“Thanks!”

It expresses very well how prosaic things can be very erotic for our attraction.
“Well, that’s how it works for me! (chuckles).”

How do you enjoy your attraction to amputees when there’s no amputee partner?
“I’m not into amputee porn at all, so that’s usually no source for me. Neither do I visit gay sites that have amputee men. My main source for visual inspiration is YouTube, and I watch a lot of amputee men doing sports, which I find exciting to watch. But also documentaries about amputees or some video vlogs some amputees have created themselves. Incidentally, I also enjoy watching amputee women. I’m heterosexual, but I do enjoy watching women. However, I do not collect video material, and frankly I rely much more on my imagination and my fantasies than I need visual stimulation.”

Sexual fantasies?
“Yes, obviously sexual too, when I masturbate. “

But also other fantasies? Like relating to wanting to be in a relationship with an amputee?)
“Yeah, that is something I fantasize about sometimes. I’m pretty sure there are a few guys out there who I could really connect with. If it just wasn’t so hard to find them!”

As far as you’re able to tell, would you say the female way of enjoying this attraction differs from how men do? If so, could you describe the difference?
“I would say it pretty much reflects the way women and men differ in their sexuality in general. Of course I can’t speak for men, but they seem to be more focused on the physical, often
very specifically too in terms of preference, with less focus on aspects of relationship. On the internet, there is a huge gender gap, you find much more male than female devotees. I don’t think this is because there really are so few of us, I rather think that most women tend to live it differently. They may not call themselves devotees, maybe they rather become nurses or „accidentally“ like an amputee… But I can only speak for myself and I have always liked to get to the bottom of things. And concerning my attraction, I very much like context. I don’t just want to see a pretty stump, I want to see the face, get to know the person, the story behind it.”

This is an interesting difference between the two of us, I think. I tend to have specific preferences but I can have relationships with able-bodied women.
For you, the latter is problematic, but you do not have strong preferences in type of amputation. Maybe these two are related?
“Maybe this is a girl and boy difference again? I have thought about it for a while, I don’t feel in my case it has anything to do with availability. It’s more like: I like what I know, but I am also happy to know something different. As long as there is something missing.”

For me there has always been an element of despair in this. Finding someone who matches you well enough to be partners, soul-mates, buddies and lovers is hard enough as it is. Furthermore adding your favorite amputation type into the equation will reduce your chances of finding a match to virtually zero.
“I know, hell I know. But I won’t give up hope!”

What’s your view on how devoteeism is being ‘practiced’ on the internet?
“Tough one to answer since I hardly practice on the internet myself, apart from dating sites for disabled people and the fetish website where you ran into me (grins).
But the internet often presents devoteeism as some sort of freak whim you enjoy and then get on with life. For me it’s very much related to what I want my real life to look like.”

Are you in regular touch with other devotees? If so, how?
“Not a lot, no. Over the years I have talked to some and met a few. Some were real freaks I couldn’t relate to at all, some were nice people and one has become a real life friend. However, they’ve all been male. I have exchanged emails with two or three (allegedly, cause unfortunately you never know) female devotees but never met one in person. I’d like to! After my experience with my BIID ex I am trying to get to the bottom of this phenomenon a little more. I’m talking to a few people with BIID, some who are working on becoming amputees and some who have decided to try to live with the urge. When I was with my ex, I felt like this was the most natural connection, like two sides of the same coin, on the other hand I have been lied to so many times by people with BIID, that it makes me wonder if that might be part of their fetish. But I don’t think so, since I met some who seem very honest and sincere. But that’s a whole new subject here! (grins)”

Are you in regular touch with amputees? If so, how? And if so, did it influence your looking at amputees or at yourself?
“I’m still on friendly terms with two of my exes, but we’re not really in close contact. Other than that, not so much. I’m looking on a few websites, but there are so many fakes around, it is exhausting. It didn’t really influence my looking at amputees nor at myself. We are all people and everyone is different.”

If you could give devotees some advice, what would it be?
“Don’t pretend to be something you’re not (that’s more for those with BIID, but also devotees). Don’t be assholes, just because you’re on the internet. Don’t hate yourself for your attraction. Be human. ”

And finally, is there anything I didn’t ask that you would have loved to tell?
“Yes! If there’s a nice amputee guy out there reading this and liking it: contact me!”(laughs)

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